try so hard but always fail so bad.

So I am trying very hard to stop self harming, so far out last week I only done it 4 times...which is a pretty achievement for me. But all the time I can't stop, I just can't drop my blade, caant do it at all. The oonly set back I ever have is cadets, which is always shorts sleaves in summer,this stops me from self harming on my arms...which is great but it sucks cause my belly is fucked. Why why why?..why can't I stop? Such a failure I am. Another thing that's getting me down is my weight...I am so fat, I keep on putting on weight!:( at the weekend I done so much exercise but now I am aat home I feel so big. I really want to be skinny! But I am not. That's why I am a failure, these head voices are so horroible, sometimes I wish I was just deaad.

*sad face*

So today, remember that cycle I was staying clear of- the self harm one...I broke it. I am such a fool. I know why I did it, I just can't believe I would!::( I hate it. I just wish it would go all away. Sometimes I just think it would be eaasier if I were dead. But I am not going down that route-again-dont want to dissapopint people again. Well sorry if you had to read my tiny pityless rant/confession. Thank you,x

my self harm in the future.

So as you may know I am 16 and have been self harming for 5, nearly 6 years. But now I am 16, 17 in august I will be leaving my family home soon. I see this as a great thing so I can become a lot more independant and can have my own rules etc. But this can be a really bad thing; living in my house is not hard at all. - can be harder at other times but generaally not hard. But to the fact, I think moving out will also give me the fredom to self harm and not get the fear of my mum seeing or my siblings at all. I am not sure if any older people who self harm have had the same problem but if so is it a bad thing? Hopefully when I got onto college/ uni I won't self harm. I really wish I did stop but it can be something like an addiction. Once you start you cannot stop. I fear this, a lot. I explain to people I hate my arms, just not the fact they are fat but also cause everytime I see them I want to just cut them up. I don't have scars at all on my arms, well I do but not too noticeable, the majority being on my belly. I have also thought of my job when I'm older, if I do become a nurse and if a self harmer came into a+e or something and I have to stich them up what could I say? Would I get triggered? Would I be reminded of my past?....I'm just unsure about my future. I am very scared cause I hate the self harm, well I urge to do it, do it, feel worse afterwards, do it, feel even worse, heal, scars. Its a crap cycle. Has anyonre had the same thoughts? How do you cope? What would you say to me? Thank you for reading. Xx

not far forward but not stepped back.

Ok, so as for my self harming I haven't. I threw away my 'blades' yesterday. I am trying very hard to distract myself. So far its going well but on the other hand my 'head voices aare bad. Very bad'. It must show some sort of determination though? - that I aren't cutting myself up. But I am really just wanting my urges put oover, feel the blood pouring out me so I know I am alive and here. I'm a very sick person, I know. I do not know why I threw my 'blades' out but I am really shaky cause they aint there ( I guess this is normal?). But yes today I agreed to meet my friend, Benn. He is my best friend-ever-but not anymore. He has been taken away from me - the school bully, well the one of oour year has befriended hhim. I hate that girl but she bullied me and maade myself harm worse and was many suicide attempts. Benn doesn't know she used to bully me though all he knows is that I hate her. And yes I hate her, she made my life hell(like others) and made me have many scars over my body. Well she never made me but I was ill in the head -still am today- she is a very nasty girl. But yes in the end we never met. I had to go into a ambualance and off to a+e. So our plans were over. He wasn't bothered but if he was with this girl he would be a complete dick to me or ignore me. So really is he a best friend? This is what hurts the most. I have no friends, not even my best friend. I am hurt but I will try win this self harm battle. I will proberly not succeed as I am a fat shit who fails (N) but I'm trying. Thank you for reading. Xx

failure.

I am some what a failure. I cannot stand on my own two feet. I am struggling atm. I don't even feel down, all I feel is numb. Right now I have a very graphic image in my head of self harming. This just triggers me more but I haven't done anything yet. Highlight the 'yet' part as I do not know. I am very unsusre atm. I give people advise but I cannot take it myself. I am trying so hard but yet I am failing so bad! People just don't know how hard it is to live with such a dirty coping maechanism. I'm thinking of reasons why I shouldn't do it; got cadets tomorrow and its short sleaves. - don't want the parents seeing, - want to start the school year with not cuts or verhy visable scars. But so many that will make me wanna, - no-one cares, - what have I got to live for? - scars are only tempoary and you can hide them. -it will only be a scratch. I aam unsure. I really don't wanna do it but there is a voice inside my head waanting too. I can't take this so I am going to try and sleep it off. Maybe that will help. Thank you for reading. Xxx

hello.

So this is all new for me. You shall see me positive and negative, not sure when but you definatly will see. Just to warn you guys. (That's if anyone reads em.) So a little about me, I am caalled Natalie Adamson. I live in North-east Scotland, Forres. I am 16years old and have many things that get me through my days. They must work as silly enough I am still here. I am a very confusing character and need time to wriggle out. I love music and I play Bass Trombone, also I am part of a brassband called 'Moray Concert Brass' check em out. I still attened high school/Forres Academy and in 5th year but like 2 weeks for 6th year which will be my last year before I go off to college to do health care and hopefully go onto doing nursing, hopefully mental health nursing. This is my dream not sure if will be forfilled but everyone can have a dream, right? So yes this is really just about me so I can get this blog up and running. I will try do a daily blog but if not as many times as I can do! Thank you, :) xx