updating myself.

So im going to stop using my blog for private stuff. As someone said it is better to write it in a journal or talk to them. Its so hard to do this so im giving up and not talking. I dont talk for my benifit, only others so they themaselevs dont feel alone or they dont get in my state. Im sorry to anyone who is reading them but i have had my shot and if people dont appreciate it how am i going to appreciate telling my story?- its uncomftorable enough. Anyway last update, im ok. Have been a lot better, very tired atm..and sore. I have just taken sleeping tablets 20mins ago so its taking its affect atm. Foods ok, SH lets not go there. If you want to talk messaage me on twitter, or send me a email Nicee@live.co.uk. Or text/call me, 07581506340. Thanks.

lets see what happens.

So its a new day at school, and sorta a fresh start? We will just have to see where this one goes. I really dont want the self harming to continue, i want it to stop. I dont want any more scars on my body, or anything else just want it to stop. My weight is up and down and that aint going anywhere, i want to be skinny, like very skinny. Too skinny so im too ill to live so maybee i will die. All i want is to be happy, and free. If anyone can help me please do. I need it so bad before i get too out of control and i may not see tommorrow, or the day aafter if i do something too silly. Im scared, is it right for me to be scared if i plan to do things to myself which may not have any going backs?

is it time?

So earlier my mum noticed my 'scratches' oon the tops of my arms. She saaaid there was quite a few when theres only a couple. But i think she knows, she has pulled me up before about it and keeps oon doing so. Anyway, i think its time to tell her before it gets out of hand again, its not that bad that i would need surgery but still sometimes stitches bad. But alaso i have noticed recently my mum has been very low lately. Like not asad but just low. Like she never wants to sit with us at dinner, doesnt want to be in the same room as us. And just generally wants to hbe alone. And thias isnt her at all. Its hurting me cause i dont know whatas wrong. I want to help but how can i help other when i cant help myself? And the satopping SHing is crap, cause i thought this was a distraction but i guess not. Now lets go'n asee what mess im going to do now. It sickens me with my actions.

new start

I'm wanting to start again. No more being fat, no more lack of confidence and no more self harm. I have had enough of everything. The no SHing went crap, last night was bad and today even woorse, I'm glad its somewhere, where no-one will see it cause if so people would be appauled. Went out last night, first time with friends for over a month, Nicola made me happy. I told her a lot and what I felt but I still went home and cut. I'm so ashamed. I want to just be skinny, and happy. But I'm neither and far froom it. No-one understands what I feel anymore, people can have a jist but they don't know, even if they self harmed themselfs. But these people have stopped, I haven't. I feel so disgusating when I need to ask them if I need 'healthcare help' for the cut and all they do is spit in disgust, but don't they know I am fucking ASHAMED of it. Jusat please don't make me feel worse cause aall I'm gunna do isa go home and do it worse. I wisah I could jusat escape from this, or swap lives with someone who is happy and doesn't self harm. Aee how they cope with day to day life. I'm going to have a shower and hopefully not do anything after wards. I'm going to iron my cadet kit, polish my boots and iron my school clothes for thursday iron my band uniform for wedensday nights concert and maybe practice trombone. Hopefully this will distract me, Here's hoping it does. :(

struggling to grip..

I am really stuggling today/last night. I have been non-stop thinking. I haven't done anything, basaically as I do not have the energy to do so. I'm having horrible images in my head which are too graphic for here..but just feel very useless. I'm not really saure how to feel exactly but I'm trying to stay Away from unhealthy coping mechanism. Give me luck, cause I know if I do it, it will be bad. :|

what pisses me off like something chronic.

Ok, well there is this girl who is my 'friend' and anyway she is nice but whenever its her and other friends she ignores me. Like yesterday at cadets..she was just really not liking my company and then she was like natalie can I borrow your phone to call my mum but on friday I alreaady said yes so I just had tae say yes. And after that she never really spoke to me and as we were getting off the bus from cadets she gave me a hug. But this girl speaks her mind all the time without thinking. Then afterwards she is like 'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it' but sahe obviously did!! And I'm also just learning all this stuff at cadets as I'm not high enough in cadets to reaally be doing this stuff but when I get it wrong its like she laughs at me aand it hurts cause 'everyone starts somewhere' and I always say this. Its just a moral cause at band when someone plays a wrong note or they aren't very good or they have just started playing, c'mon it doesn't sound great...but we al started in the same place so no-one should laugh right? And othet thing..she is a slut. She lost her v at 15 with her forever bf, but before that she was doing everything with a guy apart from sex. And anyway that guy ended her, she wasa hurt. But she kept on pulling and other stuff with guys apart from sex, anyway she goes out with this other guy now...was out with him for a week and shags him..they split and they go out for a day and do it again. Now c'mon!!! Another thing that's annoying is that when I went out with this guy- scott, I wanted it to go slow. Cause I really think sex shoul wait till 2 people are in love. But anyway we were only like kissing and things like that for a month and I liked it. It wasn't fast or too slow, but she was telling him to go further and me and tell me whata to do. Oi was like stop stressing me out! It was tough but anyway 5 months later he dumped me cause 'we didn't have enough time fore each other' but we did he just never made it. And I'm guessing cause know that heat of the moment- yup we went there and I said no. So I left I didn't want to feal preassured. I know this is sill but I know it was right. If someone can't wait for you they aint worth being with. And btw, this girl was like woah..oi don't see why you never. But yeh she is still a friend..I fell bad for bitching about her but I was just pissed off. And sorry for the pityless rant.

lets just see what happens..

So I have been good this weekend. Cadet weekend was very hard- full of stamina and determination. 2 things I lack but well worth it but now I'm home its :|. At cadets I am always diostracted/ doing something but now at home I'm doing nothing..I'm thinking. This is making me very triggered.I was thinking of my granny earlier..thinking that maybe if I gave her a hug everyonce and a while she may not have left too soon. I know she is way happier and in no pain up there but I have such a guilt- its just too much. I keep crying over this. I am trying so hard to stay strong, and I am untill I am on my own. I want to just be with her- I want to join her up there. Tonight has been horrible for this :( I really don't want to do anything silly. I feel very unsafe with my thought but I know being me I won't do anything cause I'm too scared to be found alive after a failed attempt. I am just needing to talk to someone, for them to hear me and let me just cry. :'(

i need help.

Ok, so far I have hurt myself 4times today. I need help, like put into a mental hospital. I need help to stop doing this to myself. I am not scared with my wounds but I'm scared that I won't stop when I need too. :( I have a cadet weekend; friday to sunday and there's a lot of fitness, like running and press up etc, I can't let myself go and hurt that bad that I can't do it. I'm part of a team and I can't let them down, I think this is the only thing stopping me do anything too silly. :/

i cant go on like this. (depressing, triggering?)

So my self harming is everyday, sometimes even more than once a day. I am making sure whatever is use is clean but also blunt so it isn't that bad, but its still not scratches. I am so scared for my cadets TAC weekends(for the next 3 weeks- then its the compotition) so I am doing it more, my eating is sorta on the hold cause of it. I'm just so full of nerves and usually when I'm full of nerves I don't eat. But I just can't go on like this. I'm scared incase anyone sees my tummy, its a mess. What I keep on saying to myself is that-at least its not my arms. Its so stupid, I know. I shouldn't be doing it in the first place anyways but I can't stop at the moment. I'm scared cause I'm going down the same route I was in a few years back, and those years were horrific. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal? I'm so fucking stupid. I just want to die, at least I wouldn't need to be worried about.

i cant go on like this. (depressing, triggering?)

So my self harming is everyday, sometimes even more than once a day. I am making sure whatever is use is clean but also blunt so it isn't that bad, but its still not scratches. I am so scared for my cadets TAC weekends(for the next 3 weeks- then its the compotition) so I am doing it more, my eating is sorta on the hold cause of it. I'm just so full of nerves and usually when I'm full of nerves I don't eat. But I just can't go on like this. I'm scared incase anyone sees my tummy, its a mess. What I keep on saying to myself is that-at least its not my arms. Its so stupid, I know. I shouldn't be doing it in the first place anyways but I can't stop at the moment. I'm scared cause I'm going down the same route I was in a few years back, and those years were horrific. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal? I'm so fucking stupid. I just want to die, at least I wouldn't need to be worried about.