not far forward but not stepped back.

Ok, so as for my self harming I haven't. I threw away my 'blades' yesterday. I am trying very hard to distract myself. So far its going well but on the other hand my 'head voices aare bad. Very bad'. It must show some sort of determination though? - that I aren't cutting myself up. But I am really just wanting my urges put oover, feel the blood pouring out me so I know I am alive and here. I'm a very sick person, I know. I do not know why I threw my 'blades' out but I am really shaky cause they aint there ( I guess this is normal?). But yes today I agreed to meet my friend, Benn. He is my best friend-ever-but not anymore. He has been taken away from me - the school bully, well the one of oour year has befriended hhim. I hate that girl but she bullied me and maade myself harm worse and was many suicide attempts. Benn doesn't know she used to bully me though all he knows is that I hate her. And yes I hate her, she made my life hell(like others) and made me have many scars over my body. Well she never made me but I was ill in the head -still am today- she is a very nasty girl. But yes in the end we never met. I had to go into a ambualance and off to a+e. So our plans were over. He wasn't bothered but if he was with this girl he would be a complete dick to me or ignore me. So really is he a best friend? This is what hurts the most. I have no friends, not even my best friend. I am hurt but I will try win this self harm battle. I will proberly not succeed as I am a fat shit who fails (N) but I'm trying. Thank you for reading. Xx