had enough

I want to self harm so bad atm. My mum came home from her surgery and had the biggest bandaage over her arm/hand. When last night i done some own surgery in my bedroom and had a bandage on. Im sure i hit a nerve cause it was hard to grip stuff but all is ok just now. I wanna carve a 'w' into my wrist for some strange reason. I could also go with a more less small 'utensil' cause i purposly amake the things i use smallish and blunt, so i dont use much harm. Why am i feeling like this? I want to be my own self, maybe start at birth again...and do better, not fail, no self harm, no eating problems. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

*excuse me!*

Being a size 12 fucking sucks. Im short and stubby, i want to be super skinny like everyone else. Or unhealthy beyond repair. I need help, i know i do. I cant go on like this. I cant even cope, like SHing is out the window, without that im even worse in the head. After my camp i hope to start over with my diet, bare minimum. All untill oct hopefully when i go on holiday i will be at least 8stone or something. I want to. This is sick, i know but MH sucks. So fucking bad. Excuse me for my french, im repulsive.

C'MON BE HAPPY.

So as some may know i do not live with help from a med or therapy etc.. My therapy nurse decided to ditch me after 3times as i wasnt helping myself and i didnt want to do anything about it. This being the fact i just wanted to kill myself- un noticed to this nurse. I expalaned my thought, the dreadful ones and the reaason i came to see her ( a boy in the year ahead hung himself- I waaas scared it waas going to be me next so hence why i went to the nurses office). So yeh anyway to the point, yesterday i said to my mum i didnt want to go to my camp ( army cadet camp, in north york from 23rdjuly-5th august) due to not feeling good- emotionally. So she said i need to go to the doctors to get me a 'pick me up' so i dont feel so down. I thought about this and yes i didnt make the decision myself, i got my friend too. So im going to the docs with her waiting with me soo i will acctually go in. Lets just say im shitting it. Its ok for the meds, e.g but what if they ask further questions, like do you self harm, can i see them, does your parents know? - and if i aam very honest i would tell them but also have the fear of getting thrown into a lonie bin and never coming out of the doctor might just tell everyone to stay away froom me cause im a freak. Fuck, i wish i had balls to do this, cause i know i need to but fear is my only step baack. Eurgh.

super great-you bitch.

Death - slit my wrists i wanna die, take a pill to go bye bye.


Also all these thoughts of slitting my wrists are horendous. More and more each day. I have also been thinking of just stabbing myself, either in the heart or my left inner thigh - that way i am sure to die. I could also either take a overdose - but in the past these have been unsuccesful - also i could lie on a train track or go up the loft and get my bros gun and put it in my mouth and pull. Easy peasy.

These thoughts are too far detailed. I have also just been thinking of just cutting really bad and bleeding to death. Im scared - very scared. :(

P.S... Dont worry i wont do anything.

SO HAPPY.....haha, sircasm gets you very far!

So im thinking why im so triggered...?? And you know why i am? Cause i threw all my materials away but then was just sitting aand found loads from 'hiding' blades when i was really bad. it sucks cause i need to go swimming tomorrow and all i wanna do is slit my wrists. Yippppie, LOVE LIFE!!!!!! :) :) :) :)

smile, its free.

It gets harder each day. I want to live the life God has given to me but i waant to get it back to Him...may be sudden but i so so so want to. These get stronger and stronger each time. If august 13th come and i turn 17 and i am alive...its a miracle. I will Love God forever, not as if i will ever stop but it would be stronger. I need to be free of everything. I just cant do this anymore.

mhmhmhmhmhm

So ok, i havent been writing blogsa but just due to others. So where do i start? A month is a long time in my world...but not in everyother life. So i have been ok, not the best but still not bad. Im on my summer holidays atm and they are not over till i go back on the 16th of august. Until then i dont have a lot to occupy my time, i do have a cadet camp from the 23rd till te 5th so thats 2weeks and i also have my birthday after that but thats not a happy thing, usually im not 'happy' on my birthday. What else?...er.. I love my baby twin cousins more thank anything, and between them and the bible- im alive. Its been a tought month, i have just had such all over emotions, aand been very teary. Honestly i have been crying at everything. My big bro cam back for a day from uni and we were talking..he is going to see if i can get into summer schoool next year so i can finally do nursing in uni next september. And go onto mental health nursing...but im not sure about thhat just now as i cant look after myself nvm anyone else. We will see...but its a some thing i really want to do. But i hope to keep these up..thanks to anyone who reads these.