updated!

So hello again. Not been on this in about a month. Just a wee while then! But yeh this is pretty much a update on me, myself and i. So things for me arent going totally great. But they arent going disaster.some of you maaay know that i am going o holiday/ going away for the tattie holidays. And i cant fucking wait.but i have been harming every single day so mmy wrist is pretty yuk.im hoping laast night wasa the last for a wee while, well until my holiday anyway. As mexico is pretty hot and i will be wearing a batheing suit so i dont really want a scar'ed up body. So yeh lets see how it goes:/

had enough

I want to self harm so bad atm. My mum came home from her surgery and had the biggest bandaage over her arm/hand. When last night i done some own surgery in my bedroom and had a bandage on. Im sure i hit a nerve cause it was hard to grip stuff but all is ok just now. I wanna carve a 'w' into my wrist for some strange reason. I could also go with a more less small 'utensil' cause i purposly amake the things i use smallish and blunt, so i dont use much harm. Why am i feeling like this? I want to be my own self, maybe start at birth again...and do better, not fail, no self harm, no eating problems. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

*excuse me!*

Being a size 12 fucking sucks. Im short and stubby, i want to be super skinny like everyone else. Or unhealthy beyond repair. I need help, i know i do. I cant go on like this. I cant even cope, like SHing is out the window, without that im even worse in the head. After my camp i hope to start over with my diet, bare minimum. All untill oct hopefully when i go on holiday i will be at least 8stone or something. I want to. This is sick, i know but MH sucks. So fucking bad. Excuse me for my french, im repulsive.

C'MON BE HAPPY.

So as some may know i do not live with help from a med or therapy etc.. My therapy nurse decided to ditch me after 3times as i wasnt helping myself and i didnt want to do anything about it. This being the fact i just wanted to kill myself- un noticed to this nurse. I expalaned my thought, the dreadful ones and the reaason i came to see her ( a boy in the year ahead hung himself- I waaas scared it waas going to be me next so hence why i went to the nurses office). So yeh anyway to the point, yesterday i said to my mum i didnt want to go to my camp ( army cadet camp, in north york from 23rdjuly-5th august) due to not feeling good- emotionally. So she said i need to go to the doctors to get me a 'pick me up' so i dont feel so down. I thought about this and yes i didnt make the decision myself, i got my friend too. So im going to the docs with her waiting with me soo i will acctually go in. Lets just say im shitting it. Its ok for the meds, e.g but what if they ask further questions, like do you self harm, can i see them, does your parents know? - and if i aam very honest i would tell them but also have the fear of getting thrown into a lonie bin and never coming out of the doctor might just tell everyone to stay away froom me cause im a freak. Fuck, i wish i had balls to do this, cause i know i need to but fear is my only step baack. Eurgh.

super great-you bitch.

Death - slit my wrists i wanna die, take a pill to go bye bye.


Also all these thoughts of slitting my wrists are horendous. More and more each day. I have also been thinking of just stabbing myself, either in the heart or my left inner thigh - that way i am sure to die. I could also either take a overdose - but in the past these have been unsuccesful - also i could lie on a train track or go up the loft and get my bros gun and put it in my mouth and pull. Easy peasy.

These thoughts are too far detailed. I have also just been thinking of just cutting really bad and bleeding to death. Im scared - very scared. :(

P.S... Dont worry i wont do anything.

SO HAPPY.....haha, sircasm gets you very far!

So im thinking why im so triggered...?? And you know why i am? Cause i threw all my materials away but then was just sitting aand found loads from 'hiding' blades when i was really bad. it sucks cause i need to go swimming tomorrow and all i wanna do is slit my wrists. Yippppie, LOVE LIFE!!!!!! :) :) :) :)

smile, its free.

It gets harder each day. I want to live the life God has given to me but i waant to get it back to Him...may be sudden but i so so so want to. These get stronger and stronger each time. If august 13th come and i turn 17 and i am alive...its a miracle. I will Love God forever, not as if i will ever stop but it would be stronger. I need to be free of everything. I just cant do this anymore.

mhmhmhmhmhm

So ok, i havent been writing blogsa but just due to others. So where do i start? A month is a long time in my world...but not in everyother life. So i have been ok, not the best but still not bad. Im on my summer holidays atm and they are not over till i go back on the 16th of august. Until then i dont have a lot to occupy my time, i do have a cadet camp from the 23rd till te 5th so thats 2weeks and i also have my birthday after that but thats not a happy thing, usually im not 'happy' on my birthday. What else?...er.. I love my baby twin cousins more thank anything, and between them and the bible- im alive. Its been a tought month, i have just had such all over emotions, aand been very teary. Honestly i have been crying at everything. My big bro cam back for a day from uni and we were talking..he is going to see if i can get into summer schoool next year so i can finally do nursing in uni next september. And go onto mental health nursing...but im not sure about thhat just now as i cant look after myself nvm anyone else. We will see...but its a some thing i really want to do. But i hope to keep these up..thanks to anyone who reads these.

updating myself.

So im going to stop using my blog for private stuff. As someone said it is better to write it in a journal or talk to them. Its so hard to do this so im giving up and not talking. I dont talk for my benifit, only others so they themaselevs dont feel alone or they dont get in my state. Im sorry to anyone who is reading them but i have had my shot and if people dont appreciate it how am i going to appreciate telling my story?- its uncomftorable enough. Anyway last update, im ok. Have been a lot better, very tired atm..and sore. I have just taken sleeping tablets 20mins ago so its taking its affect atm. Foods ok, SH lets not go there. If you want to talk messaage me on twitter, or send me a email Nicee@live.co.uk. Or text/call me, 07581506340. Thanks.

lets see what happens.

So its a new day at school, and sorta a fresh start? We will just have to see where this one goes. I really dont want the self harming to continue, i want it to stop. I dont want any more scars on my body, or anything else just want it to stop. My weight is up and down and that aint going anywhere, i want to be skinny, like very skinny. Too skinny so im too ill to live so maybee i will die. All i want is to be happy, and free. If anyone can help me please do. I need it so bad before i get too out of control and i may not see tommorrow, or the day aafter if i do something too silly. Im scared, is it right for me to be scared if i plan to do things to myself which may not have any going backs?

is it time?

So earlier my mum noticed my 'scratches' oon the tops of my arms. She saaaid there was quite a few when theres only a couple. But i think she knows, she has pulled me up before about it and keeps oon doing so. Anyway, i think its time to tell her before it gets out of hand again, its not that bad that i would need surgery but still sometimes stitches bad. But alaso i have noticed recently my mum has been very low lately. Like not asad but just low. Like she never wants to sit with us at dinner, doesnt want to be in the same room as us. And just generally wants to hbe alone. And thias isnt her at all. Its hurting me cause i dont know whatas wrong. I want to help but how can i help other when i cant help myself? And the satopping SHing is crap, cause i thought this was a distraction but i guess not. Now lets go'n asee what mess im going to do now. It sickens me with my actions.

new start

I'm wanting to start again. No more being fat, no more lack of confidence and no more self harm. I have had enough of everything. The no SHing went crap, last night was bad and today even woorse, I'm glad its somewhere, where no-one will see it cause if so people would be appauled. Went out last night, first time with friends for over a month, Nicola made me happy. I told her a lot and what I felt but I still went home and cut. I'm so ashamed. I want to just be skinny, and happy. But I'm neither and far froom it. No-one understands what I feel anymore, people can have a jist but they don't know, even if they self harmed themselfs. But these people have stopped, I haven't. I feel so disgusating when I need to ask them if I need 'healthcare help' for the cut and all they do is spit in disgust, but don't they know I am fucking ASHAMED of it. Jusat please don't make me feel worse cause aall I'm gunna do isa go home and do it worse. I wisah I could jusat escape from this, or swap lives with someone who is happy and doesn't self harm. Aee how they cope with day to day life. I'm going to have a shower and hopefully not do anything after wards. I'm going to iron my cadet kit, polish my boots and iron my school clothes for thursday iron my band uniform for wedensday nights concert and maybe practice trombone. Hopefully this will distract me, Here's hoping it does. :(

struggling to grip..

I am really stuggling today/last night. I have been non-stop thinking. I haven't done anything, basaically as I do not have the energy to do so. I'm having horrible images in my head which are too graphic for here..but just feel very useless. I'm not really saure how to feel exactly but I'm trying to stay Away from unhealthy coping mechanism. Give me luck, cause I know if I do it, it will be bad. :|

what pisses me off like something chronic.

Ok, well there is this girl who is my 'friend' and anyway she is nice but whenever its her and other friends she ignores me. Like yesterday at cadets..she was just really not liking my company and then she was like natalie can I borrow your phone to call my mum but on friday I alreaady said yes so I just had tae say yes. And after that she never really spoke to me and as we were getting off the bus from cadets she gave me a hug. But this girl speaks her mind all the time without thinking. Then afterwards she is like 'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it' but sahe obviously did!! And I'm also just learning all this stuff at cadets as I'm not high enough in cadets to reaally be doing this stuff but when I get it wrong its like she laughs at me aand it hurts cause 'everyone starts somewhere' and I always say this. Its just a moral cause at band when someone plays a wrong note or they aren't very good or they have just started playing, c'mon it doesn't sound great...but we al started in the same place so no-one should laugh right? And othet thing..she is a slut. She lost her v at 15 with her forever bf, but before that she was doing everything with a guy apart from sex. And anyway that guy ended her, she wasa hurt. But she kept on pulling and other stuff with guys apart from sex, anyway she goes out with this other guy now...was out with him for a week and shags him..they split and they go out for a day and do it again. Now c'mon!!! Another thing that's annoying is that when I went out with this guy- scott, I wanted it to go slow. Cause I really think sex shoul wait till 2 people are in love. But anyway we were only like kissing and things like that for a month and I liked it. It wasn't fast or too slow, but she was telling him to go further and me and tell me whata to do. Oi was like stop stressing me out! It was tough but anyway 5 months later he dumped me cause 'we didn't have enough time fore each other' but we did he just never made it. And I'm guessing cause know that heat of the moment- yup we went there and I said no. So I left I didn't want to feal preassured. I know this is sill but I know it was right. If someone can't wait for you they aint worth being with. And btw, this girl was like woah..oi don't see why you never. But yeh she is still a friend..I fell bad for bitching about her but I was just pissed off. And sorry for the pityless rant.

lets just see what happens..

So I have been good this weekend. Cadet weekend was very hard- full of stamina and determination. 2 things I lack but well worth it but now I'm home its :|. At cadets I am always diostracted/ doing something but now at home I'm doing nothing..I'm thinking. This is making me very triggered.I was thinking of my granny earlier..thinking that maybe if I gave her a hug everyonce and a while she may not have left too soon. I know she is way happier and in no pain up there but I have such a guilt- its just too much. I keep crying over this. I am trying so hard to stay strong, and I am untill I am on my own. I want to just be with her- I want to join her up there. Tonight has been horrible for this :( I really don't want to do anything silly. I feel very unsafe with my thought but I know being me I won't do anything cause I'm too scared to be found alive after a failed attempt. I am just needing to talk to someone, for them to hear me and let me just cry. :'(

i need help.

Ok, so far I have hurt myself 4times today. I need help, like put into a mental hospital. I need help to stop doing this to myself. I am not scared with my wounds but I'm scared that I won't stop when I need too. :( I have a cadet weekend; friday to sunday and there's a lot of fitness, like running and press up etc, I can't let myself go and hurt that bad that I can't do it. I'm part of a team and I can't let them down, I think this is the only thing stopping me do anything too silly. :/

i cant go on like this. (depressing, triggering?)

So my self harming is everyday, sometimes even more than once a day. I am making sure whatever is use is clean but also blunt so it isn't that bad, but its still not scratches. I am so scared for my cadets TAC weekends(for the next 3 weeks- then its the compotition) so I am doing it more, my eating is sorta on the hold cause of it. I'm just so full of nerves and usually when I'm full of nerves I don't eat. But I just can't go on like this. I'm scared incase anyone sees my tummy, its a mess. What I keep on saying to myself is that-at least its not my arms. Its so stupid, I know. I shouldn't be doing it in the first place anyways but I can't stop at the moment. I'm scared cause I'm going down the same route I was in a few years back, and those years were horrific. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal? I'm so fucking stupid. I just want to die, at least I wouldn't need to be worried about.

i cant go on like this. (depressing, triggering?)

So my self harming is everyday, sometimes even more than once a day. I am making sure whatever is use is clean but also blunt so it isn't that bad, but its still not scratches. I am so scared for my cadets TAC weekends(for the next 3 weeks- then its the compotition) so I am doing it more, my eating is sorta on the hold cause of it. I'm just so full of nerves and usually when I'm full of nerves I don't eat. But I just can't go on like this. I'm scared incase anyone sees my tummy, its a mess. What I keep on saying to myself is that-at least its not my arms. Its so stupid, I know. I shouldn't be doing it in the first place anyways but I can't stop at the moment. I'm scared cause I'm going down the same route I was in a few years back, and those years were horrific. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal? I'm so fucking stupid. I just want to die, at least I wouldn't need to be worried about.

try so hard but always fail so bad.

So I am trying very hard to stop self harming, so far out last week I only done it 4 times...which is a pretty achievement for me. But all the time I can't stop, I just can't drop my blade, caant do it at all. The oonly set back I ever have is cadets, which is always shorts sleaves in summer,this stops me from self harming on my arms...which is great but it sucks cause my belly is fucked. Why why why?..why can't I stop? Such a failure I am. Another thing that's getting me down is my weight...I am so fat, I keep on putting on weight!:( at the weekend I done so much exercise but now I am aat home I feel so big. I really want to be skinny! But I am not. That's why I am a failure, these head voices are so horroible, sometimes I wish I was just deaad.

*sad face*

So today, remember that cycle I was staying clear of- the self harm one...I broke it. I am such a fool. I know why I did it, I just can't believe I would!::( I hate it. I just wish it would go all away. Sometimes I just think it would be eaasier if I were dead. But I am not going down that route-again-dont want to dissapopint people again. Well sorry if you had to read my tiny pityless rant/confession. Thank you,x

my self harm in the future.

So as you may know I am 16 and have been self harming for 5, nearly 6 years. But now I am 16, 17 in august I will be leaving my family home soon. I see this as a great thing so I can become a lot more independant and can have my own rules etc. But this can be a really bad thing; living in my house is not hard at all. - can be harder at other times but generaally not hard. But to the fact, I think moving out will also give me the fredom to self harm and not get the fear of my mum seeing or my siblings at all. I am not sure if any older people who self harm have had the same problem but if so is it a bad thing? Hopefully when I got onto college/ uni I won't self harm. I really wish I did stop but it can be something like an addiction. Once you start you cannot stop. I fear this, a lot. I explain to people I hate my arms, just not the fact they are fat but also cause everytime I see them I want to just cut them up. I don't have scars at all on my arms, well I do but not too noticeable, the majority being on my belly. I have also thought of my job when I'm older, if I do become a nurse and if a self harmer came into a+e or something and I have to stich them up what could I say? Would I get triggered? Would I be reminded of my past?....I'm just unsure about my future. I am very scared cause I hate the self harm, well I urge to do it, do it, feel worse afterwards, do it, feel even worse, heal, scars. Its a crap cycle. Has anyonre had the same thoughts? How do you cope? What would you say to me? Thank you for reading. Xx

not far forward but not stepped back.

Ok, so as for my self harming I haven't. I threw away my 'blades' yesterday. I am trying very hard to distract myself. So far its going well but on the other hand my 'head voices aare bad. Very bad'. It must show some sort of determination though? - that I aren't cutting myself up. But I am really just wanting my urges put oover, feel the blood pouring out me so I know I am alive and here. I'm a very sick person, I know. I do not know why I threw my 'blades' out but I am really shaky cause they aint there ( I guess this is normal?). But yes today I agreed to meet my friend, Benn. He is my best friend-ever-but not anymore. He has been taken away from me - the school bully, well the one of oour year has befriended hhim. I hate that girl but she bullied me and maade myself harm worse and was many suicide attempts. Benn doesn't know she used to bully me though all he knows is that I hate her. And yes I hate her, she made my life hell(like others) and made me have many scars over my body. Well she never made me but I was ill in the head -still am today- she is a very nasty girl. But yes in the end we never met. I had to go into a ambualance and off to a+e. So our plans were over. He wasn't bothered but if he was with this girl he would be a complete dick to me or ignore me. So really is he a best friend? This is what hurts the most. I have no friends, not even my best friend. I am hurt but I will try win this self harm battle. I will proberly not succeed as I am a fat shit who fails (N) but I'm trying. Thank you for reading. Xx

failure.

I am some what a failure. I cannot stand on my own two feet. I am struggling atm. I don't even feel down, all I feel is numb. Right now I have a very graphic image in my head of self harming. This just triggers me more but I haven't done anything yet. Highlight the 'yet' part as I do not know. I am very unsusre atm. I give people advise but I cannot take it myself. I am trying so hard but yet I am failing so bad! People just don't know how hard it is to live with such a dirty coping maechanism. I'm thinking of reasons why I shouldn't do it; got cadets tomorrow and its short sleaves. - don't want the parents seeing, - want to start the school year with not cuts or verhy visable scars. But so many that will make me wanna, - no-one cares, - what have I got to live for? - scars are only tempoary and you can hide them. -it will only be a scratch. I aam unsure. I really don't wanna do it but there is a voice inside my head waanting too. I can't take this so I am going to try and sleep it off. Maybe that will help. Thank you for reading. Xxx

hello.

So this is all new for me. You shall see me positive and negative, not sure when but you definatly will see. Just to warn you guys. (That's if anyone reads em.) So a little about me, I am caalled Natalie Adamson. I live in North-east Scotland, Forres. I am 16years old and have many things that get me through my days. They must work as silly enough I am still here. I am a very confusing character and need time to wriggle out. I love music and I play Bass Trombone, also I am part of a brassband called 'Moray Concert Brass' check em out. I still attened high school/Forres Academy and in 5th year but like 2 weeks for 6th year which will be my last year before I go off to college to do health care and hopefully go onto doing nursing, hopefully mental health nursing. This is my dream not sure if will be forfilled but everyone can have a dream, right? So yes this is really just about me so I can get this blog up and running. I will try do a daily blog but if not as many times as I can do! Thank you, :) xx