try so hard but always fail so bad.

So I am trying very hard to stop self harming, so far out last week I only done it 4 times...which is a pretty achievement for me. But all the time I can't stop, I just can't drop my blade, caant do it at all. The oonly set back I ever have is cadets, which is always shorts sleaves in summer,this stops me from self harming on my arms...which is great but it sucks cause my belly is fucked. Why why why?..why can't I stop? Such a failure I am. Another thing that's getting me down is my weight...I am so fat, I keep on putting on weight!:( at the weekend I done so much exercise but now I am aat home I feel so big. I really want to be skinny! But I am not. That's why I am a failure, these head voices are so horroible, sometimes I wish I was just deaad.