had enough

I want to self harm so bad atm. My mum came home from her surgery and had the biggest bandaage over her arm/hand. When last night i done some own surgery in my bedroom and had a bandage on. Im sure i hit a nerve cause it was hard to grip stuff but all is ok just now. I wanna carve a 'w' into my wrist for some strange reason. I could also go with a more less small 'utensil' cause i purposly amake the things i use smallish and blunt, so i dont use much harm. Why am i feeling like this? I want to be my own self, maybe start at birth again...and do better, not fail, no self harm, no eating problems. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.