lets just see what happens..

So I have been good this weekend. Cadet weekend was very hard- full of stamina and determination. 2 things I lack but well worth it but now I'm home its :|. At cadets I am always diostracted/ doing something but now at home I'm doing nothing..I'm thinking. This is making me very triggered.I was thinking of my granny earlier..thinking that maybe if I gave her a hug everyonce and a while she may not have left too soon. I know she is way happier and in no pain up there but I have such a guilt- its just too much. I keep crying over this. I am trying so hard to stay strong, and I am untill I am on my own. I want to just be with her- I want to join her up there. Tonight has been horrible for this :( I really don't want to do anything silly. I feel very unsafe with my thought but I know being me I won't do anything cause I'm too scared to be found alive after a failed attempt. I am just needing to talk to someone, for them to hear me and let me just cry. :'(