i cant go on like this. (depressing, triggering?)

So my self harming is everyday, sometimes even more than once a day. I am making sure whatever is use is clean but also blunt so it isn't that bad, but its still not scratches. I am so scared for my cadets TAC weekends(for the next 3 weeks- then its the compotition) so I am doing it more, my eating is sorta on the hold cause of it. I'm just so full of nerves and usually when I'm full of nerves I don't eat. But I just can't go on like this. I'm scared incase anyone sees my tummy, its a mess. What I keep on saying to myself is that-at least its not my arms. Its so stupid, I know. I shouldn't be doing it in the first place anyways but I can't stop at the moment. I'm scared cause I'm going down the same route I was in a few years back, and those years were horrific. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal? I'm so fucking stupid. I just want to die, at least I wouldn't need to be worried about.