new start

I'm wanting to start again. No more being fat, no more lack of confidence and no more self harm. I have had enough of everything. The no SHing went crap, last night was bad and today even woorse, I'm glad its somewhere, where no-one will see it cause if so people would be appauled. Went out last night, first time with friends for over a month, Nicola made me happy. I told her a lot and what I felt but I still went home and cut. I'm so ashamed. I want to just be skinny, and happy. But I'm neither and far froom it. No-one understands what I feel anymore, people can have a jist but they don't know, even if they self harmed themselfs. But these people have stopped, I haven't. I feel so disgusating when I need to ask them if I need 'healthcare help' for the cut and all they do is spit in disgust, but don't they know I am fucking ASHAMED of it. Jusat please don't make me feel worse cause aall I'm gunna do isa go home and do it worse. I wisah I could jusat escape from this, or swap lives with someone who is happy and doesn't self harm. Aee how they cope with day to day life. I'm going to have a shower and hopefully not do anything after wards. I'm going to iron my cadet kit, polish my boots and iron my school clothes for thursday iron my band uniform for wedensday nights concert and maybe practice trombone. Hopefully this will distract me, Here's hoping it does. :(